It's weird how there's always this buffer where I wholeheartidly regret doing something. Every blog post, application, website, everything I say and do and have done. Sometimes it doesn't last long, sometimes its so short I barely notice it, and sometimes it never goes away. Wonder why...

It seems the last week or so I've fallen behind in blog posting, laundry, twittering, working out, and a whole host of other things. I did manage to get a few things done work wise though. Typically when I start a new project I experience this hyper-focused state of being where I don't sleep, eat, or anything else beyond the bare minimum needed to survive-- during a typical bout 54 hour days separated by 4 hours sleep is normal; no alarm clocks or caffeine necessary. For some reason I've slipped into this without any particular thing being in focus, and the chance of actually focusing on anything significant over-ridden by reeally wanting to watch the inauguration, and being constantly glued to CNN for a couple days before, during, and after. The fact that I wasn't experiencing from or taking advantage of my state of mind to immerse myself in solving usability problems and establishing functionality paradigms, left me a wastefull lazy being. A couple months ago I'd wake up at 3am 6 times a week, run 8km in the freezing cold, do 200 pushups, 200 situps, and 30 pullups, and then start my day. Today(which started on Wednesday night) I've showered, done a quarter of my laundry, had breakfast, lunch, and got about an hours work done. Those few tasks have taken me about 12 hours to accomplish. It's gotten so bad that I am,  at this moment drinking directly from the Brita spout. Oh we have cups, a whole cupboard full, it's about 32feet from me to that cupboard and that vast trek involves steps; descending and the ascending on the way back, so I guess that's too far now. I'm actually starting to get flabby(a bit lets not get carried away) from living like this. It's time to make a change. I feel like saying it's gone too far, but it's not about how far it's gotten, it's about key lifestyle choices that over time precipitate into the unholy and indolent catastrophe that defines my current rut. All I have to do is change those behavior patterns and wait for liberal evaporation to do it's thing. Unfortunately I can't compress into the standard 24 hour day/night thing and so I never find myself in a position where I can say "Well, it's 6pm and I'm done all my tasks for today, now I can relax until tomorrow." Instead I have an infinite pile of tasks to get done before I retire and so for me just sitting around relaxing waiting for the date on my calendar to change is like a cigarrete smoker trying to quit and having 'one last drag'. It's a whirlwind, a downward spiral from there pulling me with intense gravity to where I am now in all this, and it gets worse, much worse. If I let it. Sure there are times when relaxation is needed and warrented but it's never with the goal of passing time. It has a purpose and a deeply analyzed function which has to result in a net increase in productivity in the long run to even merit the thought of it. So in order for me to be functional I have to be strictly disciplined. The one problem with doing that is that occasionally I'll be working on something and lose track of myself, I won't realize I've been focused on some task or error for 4 hours straight and then everything gets derailed and needs special adjustments and sacrifices to catch up to a speeding train. I have yet to find a way to grab my own attention say every 45 minutes, and I have yet to find a way to wake myself up after only a few hours sleep(when I'm not fully in the zone) that I can't deactivate before I'm fully awake resulting in me often getting back into bed and sleeping for 14 hours when I only wanted 4 or 6. But those two things would be luxuries if I every figured them out-- depending on external intervention to maintain discipline is a major pitfall and at its most basic level a cop-out. It means I have something else to blame for faltering which leads me to believe it wasn't in my control. So maybe I shouldn't be thinking of it at all.

Watching CNN's coverage of the crowds gathering in Washington this morning I'm vicariously filled with this sense of hope and unity with the rest of the world. Once when I was younger I had a similar experience while listening to Mandela's inaugural speech sitting on the floor in my parents bedroom while they watched it on tv. I can't remember if I was actually listening to the words or if I could grasp at that stage the full gravity of what he was saying but the sound and cadence of his voice coupled with the crowds response conveyed at it's most basic level a sense of just peace, forgiveness,  and movement to work together to make it a better place for everyone. The overwhelming sensation that washes over you when everyone in a room wants to do their part and the surety that a group of people can achieve their goals because they work together and support eachother.

With that said, I found it amusing when CNN informed me that the Vice President is sworn in before the President. He seems like a nice enough guy but if something where to happen to Bush just after Biden is sworn in, Biden would technically be president for a few minutes until Obama could be sworn in. Got me thinking about a few things, like would Biden in that short time exercise his power? Would he jump up and down exclaiming something along the lines of, "I'm president Yippee!", I don't see how he could resist knowing that he gets to be President without having to deal with any of the issues. Would they try to swear Obama in any faster? Whom would the majority of the secret service(not like they're in short supply today) be assigned to protect.

I never really stop to think about the impact of what we wear. Doctors for example wear white, so we can quickly judge if they're competent. If doc walked in all covered in blood and guts we'd be wise to run for the hills. They also wear white because white is sterile, an idea that makes it easier to let them do, whatever it is they do. Priests wear black to impress upon us the evil in this world, with a small white square near their voice box to indicate that their words will lead to salvation. There isn't an aspect of business attire that isn't a subtle play on psychology, it's about dominance which in our culture means exaggerating masculine features, and exploiting feminine plays on psychology. It's a safe bet that anyone wearing a bow-tie, lest they be a performer mid-performance, is a complete asshole or a fool. I don't know what to make of people who wear double socks, I'm one of those people and I guess it takes an objective approach to analyze. People who wear socks and sandals on the other hand are trying to self-consciously draw attention to themselves,  typically intellectuals who have valid things to say but realize that they're not avant-garde enough to merit specific attention be paid. People who walk around with a cane, generally have difficulty walking, and dogs who wear cute little outfits usually have unintentionally abusive adopted parents. (vis.) Elmira from Looney Tunes.

Wouldn’t it be cool if this was about more than just keeping the flow of the complex chemical reaction which contains, transports, and transfigures what we know as life. About more than just living out my extension of the global and possibly interstellar family tree of life only to wither away and die, whether or not I leave behind random halves of my genetic data co-mingled with that of another only to do the same, like puffs of smoke on an early-morning veranda. The very idea that I, one such puff of smoke—as unique as I am insignificant in this fabric, should be looking for something more, which even if there was would be so deviated and strange from smoke and fabric that I could not relate to it let alone comprehend it’s merit or existence. Perhaps I’m looking in an au fait vacant corner for substance because the content I already have and could with little effort produce at my disposal is dull and to me, like the suggestion of a puppet show would be to a 13 year old who could alternatively witness massive explosions, kung fu, and adult situations in a dim-lit movie theatre. Are the options really as dull as entertaining, fighting for/with/against, planning for, selling to, and buying from the other animals I see walking around all over the place.

Shit, is it really just about moving through space trying to achieve balance in my own neural network preferably leaning toward the happy and good side, but not so much that I lose all bearings of where the line between good and bad actually sits; fastened in place by ideology and culture—and what should really be a personal thing but too often dictated by pastor/government/drug dealer/corporate vendor to the ends of advancing their own misguided ideals.

Why be a drop of water in the ocean if you don’t like being wet.. Or salt. If you see the insignificance of you the drop and that of all the other drops and of the ocean itself. If you see a simple procedure where others see through muddy spectacles, and you do in fact distinguish between happy and sad, between good and bad, then why not simply bend the ocean to your preference and find a warm current to wait for the smoke to dissipate. On the other hand if everything is grey, uninteresting, and lacks a point above and beyond ourselves and the immediate here and now then why expend the effort. The only reason I can see is because the alternative is to vegetate, BUT, what’s the difference really between vegetating in physicality wherever you happen to be at this moment or just personally in your warm ocean current. It really comes down to a choice between pickled cucumbers and pickled eggs… either way you’re fucked.

Stewing in a salty brine trying to figure out how to attain something that only exists at the edge of your imagination, half in and the other half just doesn’t exist, as you’re left wanting. What are you to do with this kind of insight? There’s no point telling anyone cause, sure some will understand and maybe even hold up a sign or wear a badge about it, most will try to ignore you as they catch the first glimpse of what you’re trying to say before they try to forget and cling to their chosen vices, and the rest will try to kill you for daring to talk in a way that scares them so much.

If checking items off a half-hazard bucket list is of no interest and neither is making a splash in the  many quandaries that spring up from trying to live with each other peacefully. Then where is the motivation to get up, get dressed, and go do shit. Why bother going around accumulating stories if the characters, and potential audience will all cease to exist in x number of heartbeats. Could it be that you’re spoiled that 1 lifespan even if it were 10,000 years long would still only be 1 lifespan.

It looks like it’s not about the time allotted but the challenge and the purpose. The redundancy of evolution—in a higher sense as well than just biological, but of matter, solar systems, etc., means that it won’t matter what happens to a single puff of smoke and so the argument of the purpose being the greater good can only be applied when referring to a random but encompassing sample of puffs of smoke. When reduced to a single puff, the options are limitless and therefore hold no value. If everyone received exactly $10 million then hefty inflation would ensue and things would quickly return as they were. The only way to assign value to your options in terms of paths, goals, and reasons to get up in the morning is to limit those options. To escalate boundaries and walls, to become a captive of some rigid, restrictive system. The opening to a bag of chips only holds value if you are inside with the chips and would like not to be. Value is born of discomfort. And to someone such as yourself, with an extremely high tolerance for discomfort, value will only start to emerge from near torture. Like squeezing the tail end of a water drop shaped bead, discomfort—of whatever degree may be required, is your propellent. There may not be a bigger meaning, but you still have impulse. Impulse that creates wants, needs, and dreamed up scenarios of ideal warm currents and the fuel to get there is for some as simple as the idea of not being at those goals yet, but in your cynical, logical, 5 steps ahead of the flock, and above all clinical way of thinking, the fuel to get there must be self induced, unrelenting, rigid torture; applied like clockwork until such a time that such goals are reached and become self sustaining which in some cases might never occur. What’s important to note is that this torturous structure shouldn’t be random noise, but rather reflective of the goal state you wish to achieve. The torture itself should have a direct cause-and-effect relationship with aspects or properties of the goal state.

I could get into it for hours, but in it's simplest form religion is primitive and unhealthy. A very broad statement as there may be exceptions and alternate personal definitions of what religion is exactly, but in that broader sense the idea that a civilization is better off ignoring and hiding from human nature instead of learning about and embracing it is by definition idiotic. Ignorance breeds violence, hate, fear and instability while leaving us ill equipped to make rational decisions in life.

The goal of most religions is to attain eternal bliss: to find truth and knowledge of ourselves and the universe, however a closed and finite belief system based on never looking below the surface or truly scrutinizing what we hear and see can not possibly allow anyone to discover truth or knowledge.

Obviously there is a lot that we can take from religious practices and beliefs that are applicable to the way we live. Concepts like meditation and focus, peer and self respect are valuable ones and historians continue to show that the worlds major religions were created with the intent of passing on these skills, ethics, and examples as a base for future generations to study and decrypt our wants, needs, and being. To misinterpret or confuse religious stories as fact is a sad mistake often made with the intent to wage wars over money and power and exploited through ignorance of the masses who don't have the common sense to realize complete bullshit when they see it.

My whole life I've been right handed. My poor left has been treated as a second class citizen for too long now. When I was growing up I had a friend who claimed to be ambidextrous.. it didn't mean much at the time because we were 7, but since then I looked up what it means and realized that while I may have a natural tendency toward my right hand, there's no real reason why I can't use my left just as good. My body parts are too independent and out of sync where there should be equality and balance. Something I'm always preparing for is the event that I lose something: an arm, leg, vision, hearing... So starting tomorrow for one week I'm changing everything up. My right hand will have to endure what my left has gone through these many years and my left will be treated to a position of high authority, taking care of writing, brushing teeth, and all the rest. Maybe in 8 days my left and right will have a better understanding of eachother's plight and share the workload bringing that hard to find balance to the community that is my body parts.

You can't only celebrate life once a year, that's what the government wants, for you to get it out of your system and then go on watching tv and remaining a calm, non-disruptive individual.

The time it takes for the earth to gravitate around the sun is not justification for celebration unless you're excited about the fact that every year we get a little closer to that fiery ball in the sky. [Orbiting is the same as falling if you don't have a means of propulsion]. How CAN anyone be excited about that, unless they've done the calculations that the sun will burn out and/or explode/black-hole-ify before earth impacts and are planning a scheme to lure all the people and things they don't like onto "that" side of the earth. [the side that gets squished, cracked, or in the case of a black hole.. noodle-ified first].

Also the "Happy Birthday" song is owned by a subsidiary of AOL/TIme Warner, meaning they can sue you and win if you sing it at someone's party.. UNLESS you sing it in parody or only sing a small portion of it that's unrecognizable.. either way you should videotape it cause the awkwardness of a sarcastic happy birthday song, sung acapella to your bed-ridden grandmother in the 'home' could be funny later when you watch it on youtube after uploading it.

I get this sick feeling when I think about how much time I've wasted in my life, and how it's not slowing down but speeding up. It's like someone knocked over my glass and the water's spilling out in a big wash.

On the other hand I did just eat a family-sized microwaved ready-made macaroni and cheese in 20 minutes. Let's say it's 50/50, I'm still partially convinced it's the time thing.