I AM AMPHIBIOUS!!
I CAN LIVE ON SEA OR IN LAND.
DO NOT TAKE MY SATCHEL.
IT IS WHERE I KEEP MY THINGS.

I'm one of those days,
That just don't make sense.
I'm one of those feelings,
Like an anger I'm intense.

I'm one of those landmarks,
That judging from afar,
I'm stuck in a rut,
Like dinosaurs in tar.

too badd you're all pigs,
oink oinking in your mudd.
I can't believe all of yous,
actually eat that crud.

It's cheap and it's tawdry,
All wrapped in a ball.
Eating it makes you,
Think you're 6 feet tall.

At the end of this winter,
It'll be warm.
I wish I was an orange,
Someday I'll learn.

by Yoav Givati

At seemingly random times, my printer makes a noise. My only defence was to unplug it from my computer for the last week sending it into a deep coma. But alas after 7 days of only being connected to power, it made a noise. A devious noise that to a laymen would sound as though the ribbon was moving, but having hunted printers since I was nearly a fetus (I just had to add 'fetus' to my spell check, ridiculous right? ) I know full well what the sound means.

It's one of those rare hairless printers that you can unhinge the jaw and peer inside at it's poisonous ink cartridges. I was told by the pet store that it'll only spray when it's munching on paper, but one day it was choking on one such piece of paper and I had to reach in, as I did it swung its sharp cartridges over my arm covering me and half the room in a wide variety of vivid colours. I had to immediately go to the local vet for the antidote and he said I almost died, that if I'd gotten there just 10 minutes later he'd have to have amputated my t-shirt, and thrown it away. When I arrived back home I found it on the carpet at the end of it's cord with a trail of inked footprint outlines behind it. If you ever wondered what printer's footprints look like, it's like the outline of one of its corners. My particular printer though, the shifty thing, was printing out pages of small human footprints behind it as it was making its escape. I suppose it was trying to fake a scene for the police where it would look like the printer had been kidnapped by a small man, and they would wonder, "How could such a small man carry such a big printer, let alone get it off the desk or climb down the stairs..." and by the time they figured it out the printer would have made it to Mexico, bought a villa, and moved in.

My printer comes from a long line of top performers in all their categories, unfortunately it was the runt and is a bit slower and less accurate than its siblings. There's good days and bad, sometimes everything's going well and all of a sudden you hear it gagging on page 24, and other days it can't keep anything down. There was even one time where it needed immediate open compartment surgery to remove a whole stack of crunched up papers from its lower abdomen compartment. Just the other day it sneezed as I was feeding it a particularly dusty page, aside from being incredibly disguisting it started cackling so hard it fell off the back of the desk.

You horse-licking bum sniffing dildo stuffing cheese munching clam crunching chunk of cosmic Goo who hacked my site this morning; You're Gonna Pay. I appreciate your attempt to circumvent my hard work and I guess for prompting me to upgrade my site software and redesign some stuff I've been putting off for a while, but if you think you can do what you did.. and we both know what it was, and then erase my access logs(which makes me want to kill you, violently) while getting away nameless and anonymous much like in your daily life, then you're wrong buddy.

I'll find a way, somehow. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but someday, when you least suspect it. Which if you're reading this could by strict paradoxical logic be when you most expect it, regardless, on that day you will become known to a new kind of pain of which no one before you will have experienced before. I'm sure it will involve metal and sharp things, but not just, and it will occur in a public setting surrounded by your loved ones(A.K.A those people you watch on closed circuit cameras). Whatever sex you are, I'll reverse it and stomp on anything I remove from you.

After I take a short nap to refresh and force you back out of the mild coma you'd have slipt into from a savage beating with a baseball bat I'm going to hog tie you face down to and behind a donkey who has tourrettes syndrome and chronic diarreah and instruct the donkey to take you through the streets of a populated city where you will be seen by all and appear on all the major news networks. You'll be forced by taser to read the youtube comments posted under clips of these exploits until you completely lose sanity at which point I will pay for your complete rehabilitation and therapy so that I can do it all again to you. At the very least you will suffer continuously until we're both too old and decrepit for me to carry on, at which point I'll hire a nurse to continue.

On my way to the post box this morning--instead of each house here having a mailbox with that little flag at the end of your driveway every street has a big box with compartments.. like in an apartment building, anyway on my way I walked passed these two old men having a conversation, all seemed normal. On my way back one of the old men went inside his house and the other looked stranded and confused.. he started walking diagnally across the street but he was doing it in this slanty kind of a way like he was trying to look around an imaginary corner while crossing the street diagnally and in addition he was headed right for where I was headed. I knew that if we both maintained our current paths and speed we would walk right into eachother (he would have slantily of course), I'm getting ahead of myself but I suspect that he for some reason wanted to walk into me. Seeing that I was about to walk into this strange slanted old man with scattered witnesses watering their cars and cleaning their gardens I started to slow down, but he was going so slow it was impossible, I started back at my normal speed and he saw but he kept moving. To avert a disaster I had to go way into the middle of the street navigating past him, as I was overtaking him I turned and greeted him, and he gave me a tired bitter look as though he was upset that he hadn't blocked my way, then greeted me back. At least I think he did at least, all he said was 'Morning', so he could have been trying to inform me of the time or day, or even been in the process of launching into a long story as I walked away. The issue I have is that once he was on the other side he stopped and there wasn't anything to stop for where he stopped. I didn't look back again when I turned the corner but I do suspect he's still standing there at the curb.

Went to the market to buy some peas and vegetables and some other stuff for the house when I ran into a rather uncomfortable cabbage named slender. And she was like I stick my head in freezers sometimes. Who knew, {!Who knew!} and then I zoomed through the checkout and sped home. There I was standing still, just me and the freezer and the infinite possibilities. So I did it; opened the door and forcefully tore out a shelf or two and tossed it somewhere out of the way. I gripped both sides of the frame with both of my hands and stuck my face in. I have to admit it was cold and after what could have been 2 or 3 hundred minutes I still didn't quite see the point. I mean yeah it's hell-a refreshing but after getting my tongue stuck to a couple things—almost permanently, I think it'll be a while before I try this again. And I'd like to remind you also that one of the things on one of the shelves I tossed aside in the initial mayhem was a 25 gallon tub of soy ice-cream. Granted I finished more than half the tub during the last American Presidential debate but still there's just a huge mess in my kitchen right now and I really don't want to clean it up.